Tuesday 1 February 2011

Customer - lack of - service?

Ten levels down customer service’s button-activated telephone helpline system….

  • “My washing machine won’t spin.” In depth detail about what I’ve tried to do. 
  • Have you tried another full wash?”
  • Do I sound stupid? “Er – no. I don’t fancy a machine-load of soggy washing that I can’t get dry.”
  • “What type of washing was it?”
  • Does it matter? “Towels”
  • “How many towels?”
  • What make? What colour? “Just a couple.”
  • “Ah, it’s the sensors. These modern machines can tell how much of a load there is and if it’s too small, the machine will switch off to preserve the life of the machine.”
  • I can tell you’ve never washed towels before. They’re not exactly lightweight. “So can you get an engineer out to fix it?”
  • “I can arrange an appointment. But if the engineer can’t find a fault, there will be a charge.”
  • Of course there’s a fault. “So how do I spin my towels then?”
  • “Have you tried putting something else in with them?”
  • That’s not really the point, is it? “I have 2 towels and I want to spin them. It’s spun my very lightweight  handwashing before with no problem.”
  • “And what type of washing was that?”
  • You want me describe my underwear? Over the phone? From my desk in an open-plan office at work? “Just some tights.”
  • “I think it’s probably that the sensors aren’t picking it up.”
  • I don’t want a technical report. I want my f***ed washing machine def***ed. It’s only 3 months old. “So can you send an engineer out to fix it, please?”
  • “It’s not faulty.”
  • “Just give me an appointment. Please.” Before I kill myself.
  • “I can arrange one for Friday.”
  • “Friday afternoon would be great, thank you.”
  • “Oh I can’t guarantee when on Friday.”

So I go home, put a full load of duvet covers and sheets in and it works perfectly.


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